Feelings
by Pooky1234
Summary: A series of muses as they occur to me, starting with need and now hate. Who knows where they'll go.
1. Need

**This is just something that came to me in the middle of a sleepless night. I've given it an M rating to be safe which is unusual for me. I blame my angstiness on the Adam chapters of TW High. What do you think?**

Need

Today Ianto returned from suspension. It had been four long weeks. Jack stood in the board room, arms crossed and the signs of last night's weevil hunt still visible on his face, as he looked down as the young man, immaculately dressed as always. Ianto looked up and Jack wondered what he was thinking? Would he ever know? Their eyes met briefly. Oh those eyes! Then Ianto turned and began to clear up after them; picking up their shit, as he always did.

Jack watched and wondered. 'Had Ianto ever needed him? Did he need him when he was on his knees in front of Jack between the shelves in the archives? Did he need him when Jack did the same? Did he need him when Jack bent him over the desk and made him scream for more? 'Harder, faster, please Jack more.' Did he need him when they fumbled with each other in the SUV, with a dead weevil in the back? Did he need him when he slammed Jack against the wall of the alley, after they'd had to go out to rescue Owen having trouble with a Hoix? Did he need him when he called out his name as he gasped with Jack buried deep inside him?

During the time that they'd been together did Ianto ever really need him, ever really want him or was he just a part-time shag. Did any of what they'd done mean anything to Ianto or had he played Jack so expertly to keep his secret hidden? When he called out Jack's name did he really mean Lisa? When Jack had nearly found her and Ianto had grabbed him, pulled down his zip and taken him there and then, was it just a diversion? Was he merely a means to an end? When they'd occasionally lain on the bed in Jack's bunker; when Jack had held him in his arms; did he want it to be Lisa? What did he mean to this man who'd called him a monster? Did he mean anything at all? Did he need him? Did he want him? Or was it all a smokescreen? And why did he feel so hurt, so betrayed. Why had that young man carrying the bin bag around the Hub got so far under his skin?'

As he picked up their shit, as always, Ianto thought about the four weeks he'd been away. He thought about the times he'd cried lying on his bed. He thought about how much he missed her. Then he thought about the times he'd found himself screaming out someone else's name as he'd touched himself. He knew that the man who'd watched him enter the Hub felt nothing for him. He was just a toy to be played with until he found a new one and now he would, perhaps he already had. The trouble was that Ianto knew, although he didn't want to feel this way, that his only thought when their eyes had briefly met was, 'don't abandon me Jack. Please I need you.'

**A/N**

**Never really been sure how I feel about Jack and Ianto having some sort of relationship before the Stopwatch but this just appeared fully formed in my head.**


	2. Hate

**I didn't plan this but again it appeared in my mind. Had some bad news – not a person just something to have to deal with which is going to need organising and be time consuming. So I've thrown all my annoyance into this. It's set after Small Worlds. Who knows if things continue to go this way I may get a series out of it!**

Hate

You say I should hate you because they do, but how can I hate you Jack? I tried; I really, really tried after Lisa, after you killed her. I tried to hate you lying alone in my bed at night but instead I just wanted you. When I cried I wanted you to hold me. When I was afraid I wanted your voice to reassure me. When I longed for another body to be there in the darkness, someone warm and alive, it was you I thought of. So you say I should hate you, when you know I can't.

I know what's happened; I know about the girl. How could I not know as the others come in after you've rushed past me to your office and shut the door, without even acknowledging I was there? They spit out their venom, even Tosh. They don't understand what you did, why you chose to sacrifice the child, why you allowed the fairies to take her. They say that you were wrong, that you're a monster. I flinch at that word. I called you that and I know it's not true. You've never blamed me. You've never once thrown back what I did, what I was prepared to do, at me. I've been amazed that you've said nothing. The others have no idea about us, except there isn't an us anymore, not since then, you haven't been near me. Oh you've smiled and we've talked but nothing else. I wonder do you know. I suppose you can't know, you can't realise, how much I want you near me. How much I want you to touch me.

They've gone now and you've disappeared into that hole in the ground. I want to find you. I want to comfort you and tell you that they'll come round. You're their Captain, so of course they'll come round, just not now, just not yet. Give them time I want to say, but instead I just tidy up the place, as I always do and wait for you to appear.

'Why are you still here?' you ask, suddenly appearing behind me.

'Just doing my job Sir and I didn't want to leave you on your own. I was worried that I'd have to clean up after you'd killed yourself again.' I notice you shift uneasily on the spot.

'Ah,' I say. 'Where?' I ask.

'My bathroom downstairs. I came looking for something to clean up the blood with.'

'Oh Jack,' I say. 'Why do you do that? Did it help?'

You shake your head and there are tears in your eyes. I long to reach out and pull you into my arms and kiss your tears away but I can't, can I, so I say.

'I'll get some stuff and come and help you.' You protest, but not very much, so we spend the next thirty minutes cleaning the bath. At least you kept it contained this time and I'm not cleaning the office wall again.

'I had to do it Ianto.'

'I know Jack and they do too.' I call you Jack and not Sir; it seems the right thing to do.

'Sometimes it's so hard being the leader, the one in control. Sometimes I long for someone to tell me what to do, instead of having to decide all the time.'

'Here clean the taps,' I order and you smile weakly.

'Well it's a start I suppose,' you say.

We finish the job and go back to your Spartan room, with the small narrow bed, a bed we've sometimes shared.

'So do you really want someone to tell you what to do?' I ask.

There's a slight flicker of interest, of curiosity in your eyes, as if you're wondering where this is going.

'Yes Ianto, sometimes it's hard to be the leader but I know it's what I'm supposed to do. No one else is going to take those decisions and no one else should have to.'

'Perhaps I can help,' I suggest. You look at me quizzically.

I put my hands underneath your vest and pull it over your head. I run my fingers over your chest. You watch as I do. I can see the curiosity in your eyes. It's not that we've never done this before but somehow this is different.

'Lie down.' I tell you. I undo your belt and the buttons on your trousers.

'Lift your hips.' You do and I remove the rest of your clothes, leaving you lying naked in front of me. I lean over and take you in my mouth. I hear you protest. I stop and look at you. 'Shut up Jack I want to do this; I need to do this and you're going to let me because you know you want it too, don't you.' You nod and I continue until you come screaming into my mouth and I swallow it all. You go to do the same for me but I stop you.

'Not now Jack.' I know I want you but this is about you.

'Lie down on your side,' I say. I spoon behind you and hold you.

'Sleep,' I say. 'I'm not going anywhere and I'll be here when you wake. I hear you whisper a 'thank you.' I pull in tighter. I hear you breathe more evenly until I know you're asleep. When you wake up I'll be there. Somewhere deep inside of me I know that I'll always be there.


	3. Fear

**Here is the next in the series. This is set at the end of Countrycide.**

Fear

'Go home and sleep,' they tell him. 'You need to sleep.' He does what he's told and finds himself on his bed, but he isn't asleep. He pulls himself tight, into as tight a ball as he can. He knows he won't sleep. He's afraid to close his eyes, afraid of what he'll see if he does. He's left the light on; he can't cope with the dark. He's eaten nothing; his stomach growls with hunger but how could he open the fridge after today, after what he's seen today. As he hugs himself tightly he can feel the pain; the pain reminds him that he's alive. It comes from the bruises that they caused 'tenderising' him. He thinks it's an odd choice of words because there was nothing tender in what they did to him. So despite the pain he hugs himself close, his hands grasped tightly around his knees.

He can't believe what he's seen today. He can't believe that they were human, that they weren't forced into what they did, that they enjoyed it. He shivers and grabs himself again as he remembers that look, bordering on lust, in their faces. It was a look of hunger, of desire and again he feels fear surge through him. Suddenly he thinks, 'what if one of them has escaped. What if they're out there watching, knowing that he's there on his own? He'll be cut up and put in a fridge or hung with his blood dripping on the floor into pools. They wanted to feast on his flesh; he knew they did. And now he would be too tired to stop them.

Left in that room he'd thought that he and Tosh were dead meat; he'd thought that was it. He knew no one in Torchwood lived to collect their pension but to die like that, at the hands of other humans, he'd never considered that. He tortured himself with the thought that he might have died; Tosh might have died. What if Jack hadn't come in, all guns blazing and saved the day? He'd been useless in the field. Jack would never take him out again, especially not if he could see him now. It was no use pretending; he should have stayed in his place, hidden in his archives – safe. He felt his fear surround him like a shroud.

If he stayed here would he be safe? If he went out there would he ever feel safe again? Eyes wide open, he stared at the wall. He looked at the patterns in the wallpaper as if he'd never seen them before. Suddenly there were faces staring at him, coming out of the wall. Hands were reaching for him trying to drag him off the bed, trying to drag him back to that place. He heard himself whimper. He heard himself cry. He knew it must be him; there was no one else there. He heard a noise like knives being sharpened. He felt their hands touching him and tried to pull away. Then he heard a voice. He had to get away from them. He flailed his arms about hitting flesh as he did. They grabbed his arms and held him.

'Ianto it's okay, it's me, it's Jack; don't cry, you're safe. I'm here Ianto. I won't leave you.' Were you asleep? Was it all a dream? Was Jack really here?

'You're a hero Ianto; you saved Tosh. Come on turn around and let me hold you.'

He turned around and saw those blue eyes, that handsome face and those strong, comforting arms reaching for him, ready to pull him close. Those arms surround him. He feels safe; at last he's safe. He feels himself relax into those arms.

'My Captain,' he says. He breathes in that heady aroma that he loves. It blocks out the smell of death, the smell of fear, which is all there's been since being in that room.

Jack leans in to kiss him. It's soft and gentle and he wants to respond but he panics. He can't want that can he, not now, not after all that's happened today? Ianto knows he's not ready. Jack sees the look in his young lover's eyes.

'Don't worry Ianto; it's not that kind of a kiss. Don't be afraid, I'm here and I'll keep you safe; I'll protect you from harm.'

Ianto finds that he's lying in Jack's arms, not sure how he got there, but so happy that he is. He closes his eyes and listens to Jack breathing.

Jack whispers in his ear, 'I'm here Ianto; I'll always be here for you. You've nothing to fear.


	4. Sorrow

**The next in the series, based on Tosh's POV mostly and set after Greeks Baring Gifts. I probably should have tinkered more but I tend to want to put these out in as raw a state as possible. So probably not appropriate on my birthday but I give you ,,,,,,**

Sorrow

Who should she feel sorry for most? She really isn't sure. Mary was gone; she was dead and Jack had killed her. She has no sorrow in her heart for Jack; she knows that at least. She knows she shouldn't but she feels sorrow for Mary, sent off to die in the sun. She knows Mary didn't love her but she needed her and wanted her and she made her feel so good. It was good to feel needed and wanted again. It was good to be touched, sometimes so good to feel hands caress her, hands that weren't her own this time. But Mary had used her as well; she'd given her the necklace and that had brought no good, but much sorrow, into her heart and mind. She'd discovered that there were some things she didn't want to know, some hurt she didn't want to experience. She'd discovered that it was easier not to know, to remain in ignorance about the true feelings of those around her.

Owen, why did she love Owen? She knew he didn't care for her. No she'd discovered that he was off shagging Gwen at every opportunity, even in the back seats of cars, like teenagers. Why didn't he see her that way? Was it something she either did or didn't do? After what had happened to her at UNIT, which was shown in her medical records, did Owen see her as damaged goods?

Mary had made her feel alive again. She could still feel her touch, her fingers probing, her tongue circling and pressing her flesh. She could taste her and longed now to rest her head on her breasts and feel her arms around her. For a short time there was somewhere she felt she belonged; someone she felt she belonged with, even if it was all smoke and mirrors, it seemed real. Now she would just lie in her lonely bed, in her tidy flat, thinking of Owen and wishing she was Gwen.

Gwen, what was it about her? She saw the way that Jack looked at her and now she had Owen, when she already had Rhys. Did she feel any guilt or sorrow at what she'd done? Does Gwen not understand how she feels? Tosh suddenly realises that she doesn't care about Gwen's feelings of guilt and sorrow. She knew what she was doing.

And Ianto, poor Ianto. She knows that at least he is immune to Gwen's charms because he has his own demons, his own sorrow and guilt and a stomach full of rats. He loves Jack and hates himself for doing so. The sorrow leaches out of him and is almost touchable. She feels that she can see it all around him, like a shadow constantly clinging to its owner. So much sorrow and so much pain; Tosh had felt so bad being able to be inside his head. She'd hated being a witness to his pain. All he wants is to love and be love in return. Why do some people seem to get everything and others have to accept the scraps left at the table of life?

Finally Jack. She knows he must feel something. He must feel some sorrow about what he does but he does it anyway. She couldn't hear his thoughts so she has no idea. He did save her but sometimes she doesn't know why. What does he feel for any of them, especially Ianto? Does he realise how much Ianto feels for him?

'Tosh are you alright? Ianto has come into the office and sat down beside her. He takes her hand.

'I'm sorry Ianto,' she replies. 'I heard you. I know about you and Jack. I won't tell the others.'

Ianto breathes out slowly. She realises he is relieved. 'Thanks Tosh I'm not sure what it is at the moment.'

'It doesn't matter what it is Ianto. It is what you want it to be. Love is funny like that. It has no reason, no rhyme and it rarely makes any sense. Somehow our hearts never know better; they never learn the lessons our heads want to teach them. If we're lucky we get joy; if we're unlucky we get sorrow. Usually we just get both in equal measures but it helps us to tell the difference. I wish I could tell you that it'll be different and how Jack feels, but I can't. I couldn't get into his head.'

'It doesn't matter Tosh. I can't stop myself whatever it is we have and believe me I've tried. It's been a bad day. Look Tosh would you like to come round to mine sometime for pizza and chess, or whatever?'

'I'd like that,' she replies, 'and Ianto, I really am sorry.'

Jack looks up and sees two of the people he loves holding each other. The others have their own problems as well. Torchwood, he hoped it was worth it.


	5. Uncertainty

**This is based on a song from Fiddler on the Roof of all things. .com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0**

**On you'll have to add the beginning bit of the youtube address.**

**After the stopwatch scene it was no longer the same between them for me. I imagined that Ianto would always do what he thought Jack wanted. If they were having sex before Cyberwoman I see this episode as when they began again for real, after the uncertainty of what their relationship was about.**

Uncertainty

Do I love him? I'm lying in his arms but do I love him? We've had sex more than once in the last few hours and over the last few months well I've lost count of the times but is it me or did we make love tonight? Somehow it was different but don't ask me to explain how. I know he doesn't love me. He's Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood 3, an immortal from the 51st century who flirts with anything, man, woman or alien, so why would he love me? I'm a nobody, I'm just a Welshman with an arse, that admittedly looks great in a suit. Is this a relationship? Do I want it to be? I was the one who mentioned the stopwatch. I was the one who propositioned him as Suzie lay dead between us. I know I have feelings for him, admiration, loyalty, devotion, need, want, desire, all sorts of feelings. But love, well love is something else.

As I lie here, after what we've just done, I can't help thinking about what we are to each other. What is he to me and what am I to him? I know he needs me. I know he wants me; his body reveals that truth. And tonight he wanted me to fuck him. It was the first time he'd asked me. Does it change things between us? Are we equal now, no longer leader and subordinate? Is this going somewhere and do I want it to? I'm not sure what I want really, except that I seem to want him and I don't seem to be able to stop. This began as a way to distract him so when did I begin to want him to care?

Do I love him? No, maybe not now, maybe not yet, but I think I could.

Do I love him, this young man lying in my arms? Does he love me? I want him and as we stood over Suzie's dead body it was him who propositioned me. That was a first; that was something new. This time there was no agenda, no ulterior motive. So he wants me but does he need me? What is this we have, that's sort of happened? It's crept up on me. Now just the sight of him and the taste of his coffee brighten my day. And that arse, in those tight trousers, does he wear them just for me?

Could I live without him now? Would I want to? I need him; I can't remember how I coped without him. He knows everything. He cleans up my 'shit', as he said and he deals with my paperwork. He makes my life easier. When did that happen? When did he make himself so indispensible? Look at that coat; without him it would be dirty, shabby and probably beyond repair. Suddenly I have clean clothes and a clean bunker, with fresh sheets. It's just as well as they're getting some use now. He seems to know what I need before I need it, want before I want it. He knows when to be tender and when to be rough. He knows when to follow and when to take control. He lets me be myself and he never judges and yet somehow he always tells me the truth when he knows I'm wrong. How does he do that?

But do I love him? I'm Captain Jack Harkness. I always know what I want, what I need, what I feel, so why is he different? Why can't I get him out of my head as well as my bed? Why do I find myself thinking about him all the time and why do I feel like I want us to stay like this forever? I've never been so uncertain in my long life.

Do I love him, perhaps not yet, perhaps not now, but perhaps I could.


	6. Wonder

**And the next round of angst. This is set after 'Out of Time' when Jack has sat with John Ellis as he died.**

Wonder

'What's going to happen to you Jack? Do you ever wonder?' he asks me. _I find I'm here again with him and he's here for me. I thought I wanted to be alone, but he won't let me. He's angry with me for dying again. He says I should have let him know. I was worried because we used his car. He told me not to be so stupid and I have to admit that it's so much better to return, to revive in his arms and to know that he's there to take care of me. I wonder when this happened; when did I begin to depend on Ianto Jones? When did he begin to anticipate my every need and I mean every? Now I wonder how I do anything without him. So I'll answer his question._

'I've no idea what will happen to me Ianto. Perhaps when I see the Doctor again he'll fix me and I won't be immortal, so then it won't matter any more.'

'But then you could die Jack, really die and never come back to me.' I feel him hug me closer.

'Yeah I could die, just like John did tonight. He was a man out of his time, just like me and he couldn't deal with it. I sat with him and watched him go, because I didn't want him to die on his own.'

'But why did you let yourself die? You know I always wonder if you'll wake up this time Jack. What if you had died? What if I wasn't there? Jack please, I don't want you to ever die alone, not as long as I'm alive. Please tell me as I have to be there; I need to be there when you come back.'

'But you hate it Ianto. I know you do whenever, wherever and however it happens, either by accident or on purpose. I've seen your face. Why put yourself through it?'

'You know why Jack. Are you trying to make me say it? You know that you're important to me. _But I can't tell you I love you, not yet, can I Jack? I've argued with myself so often. I can't love the omnisexual, 51__st__ century immortal, flirting machine that is Jack Harkness. Loving him would be like trying to catch the wind._ You haven't answered my question Jack,' I remind him, as I run my fingers across his chest and feel his hot breath on mine. The smell of the carbon monoxide now out of his hair after I'd washed it over and over. Now it's just ginger and lime mixed with those pheromones.

'No Ianto I haven't answered your question and yes sometimes I wonder what it will be like to live for millions of years. I know what it's going to be like up to the 51st century and I've been millions of years into the future, when I was with the Doctor and Rose, but it's hard to imagine what will happen to me. I've been here for over 130 years and I've gained one grey hair, but not much else has changed. I've died so many times and in so many ways.' _He looks at me and I know that there is something that he's afraid to ask. He opens his mouth to speak and then hesitates._

'Ask Ianto, what else are you wondering about? I can see that there is something on your mind.'

'What's it like when you die Jack? Does it always feel the same? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if you were blown apart; would you still come back. Is there anything anyone could find that would actually kill you? And what does living forever actually mean? How long is forever Jack? Will you be the last man standing at the end of the universe?'

'I feel it every time I die Ianto. I feel the life being sucked out of me and then it returns in a whoosh and I gasp for air. I've died well over a thousand times. When I first joined Torchwood, it was after they'd tested me over and over. Those girls knew some tricks.' _I can feel him flinch and then he looks down at me and I want to drown in those eyes knowing that I'll return because I always return._ 'As for your other question, I suppose I have to age at some time but maybe I'll live until there's nothing left but a head, or even a brain. I can hardly imagine that, but I wonder if that's all that will be left, as the rest of me decays.'

'You wouldn't like that Jack; you're too much of a show off.'

'Hmm I suppose I am. I was a poster boy once you know, back when I was the first time agent, ready to explore the wonders of the universe. I came from a small place called the Boeshane Peninsula, so they called me the face of Boe.'

'I bet having you on the adverts brought in a few recruits.'

'I like to think so, but do I wonder about how this will all end and how I will end? The answer is so complicated. It's so hard to know that everyone I love will die before me. I'm going to live forever unless there's a cure. So do I wonder Ianto? The only answer I can give you is that I try not to.'


	7. Rage

**Not sure about this one but I don't want to tinker any more. I've always found Owen more difficult to get into but here it is. Warnings for language but then it is Owen. This is based on the episode Combat.  
**

Rage

'Fucking bastard Harkness; you fucking, fucking bastard! Why did you do it? Why did you make me live? For one glorious moment I was free, free of all cares and free of this rage that's eating away inside of me. It was a pure moment of calm and certainty in this mad world and you stopped me; you made me live. You brought me back from the edge to this shithole. You returned the loss and the ache and the emptiness I've felt since she got into that plane and left me. You opened that void again and let the rage back in, when for one moment I'd filled it with peace.

I could have been with her now. It might be true. If it's so bad on the other side why do you kill yourself all the time? It can't be that bad to be dead. And if I'm not with her here why does it matter anyway? I may as well be dead. There's nothing here for me. Katie's gone and Diane's gone. Gwen well, let's face it that was all about the chase and now when I compare her to Diane, I know I don't care. I couldn't keep her here; why wouldn't she stay, she could have stayed. There must be a way to follow her; there must be other cracks in time. Perhaps if I opened the Rift I'd be able to find her again. Gwen's got Rhys, Jack has Ianto and who'd have believed that, Jack enamoured with the teaboy. I've forgotten what it's like to get past the shagging stage. It's been so long since Katie. I can hardly remember what it's like to spend time with someone, without just wanting to get into her knickers. Did I love Diane? I think I did. She wasn't one of the fuck 'em and leave 'em variety that's for sure. I've had so many of them.

So what do I do now? What's left for me? How do I get past this need to feel pain, need to hurt, need to grieve, need to die? How do I go back to the same old routine? So again it will be me and Tosh, the sad singletons, drowning in a sea of misery.

Rage against the dying of the light they say. Not me, not now. I was the one with my hand on the off switch but now I've got to live, to go on, to find some way of surviving in this rotten world. My chance has gone, the peace has gone, but the rage remains; the rage consumes me. For now it keeps me going and some time I know that my moment will come; I know it will and this time no-one will stop me, even if they point a gun at my head.'

On the other side of the Hub eyes watch him, eyes full of tears. There are arms that want to comfort, arms that want to care, arms that want to take all the hurt away and replace it with love. Toshiko Sato switches of her machine and once again wishes that things were different.


	8. Hurt

**This is from the end of Captain Jack Harkness. It's perhaps not as raw as some of the others. I always had mixed feelings about this episode myself. It's a lovely episode but I always wondered what Jack was playing at, especially as Ianto was shooting Owen, out of loyalty to Jack. I think this influenced his decision in End of Days.**

Hurt

'So what happened then? Gwen asked. 'Jack's been really quiet and he's hardly left his office since you came back.'

'I know he's angry with me after what I did,' Owen added. 'But he's hardly talked to the gun happy tea boy either. He hasn't talked to anyone, just shut himself off. So what happened?'

Tosh looked around for Ianto, as she knew that Jack was safe in his office. She knew he had cameras but she'd switched it off or thought she had. Ianto was off making coffee and so was out of the way. She didn't want to deliberately hurt him but she knew what she was about to say would.

'Jack met someone while we were stuck in 1941. He was an airman, a Captain.' She decided not to mention the issue about his name being the one that Jack used now. 'I was there when they met and it was love at first sight. It was so romantic; they couldn't stop looking at each other. Jack knew what was going to happen to the other Captain; he knew that he was going to be killed the following day. At the end, just before we had to leave, they danced together. Can you imagine that, two men in 1941 dancing together? The whole room stopped to watch. They were spellbinding. It brought tears to my eyes; I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful.'

At the side of the room, hidden from view, it brought tears to another pair of eyes.

'Then,' Tosh continued, 'the Rift opened and I had to pull Jack through. I think he wanted to stay. He went back and they kissed, such a kiss and as we went through the Rift this Captain just stood to attention and saluted.'

'So you think Jack loved this guy?' Gwen asked, wondering where that left her and Ianto. They knew that Jack and Ianto were shagging and obviously this made it clear that Jack had no true feelings for the young Welshman.

'Poor Ianto,' Gwen said surprised that she meant it.

'And he thinks he's important to Jack; poor deluded fool. It looks like I was right after all; he is just a part time shag.'

Tosh tried to offer some support. 'But he did come back so perhaps he did come back for Ianto after all.'

Ianto wasn't sure how he managed not to drop the coffees. When they'd stopped talking he buried his hurt and put on a mask. They were startled when he appeared, obviously wondering what he'd heard. He handed out the coffee without saying a word. He then trudged up the stairs to Jack's office. He put down the coffee and turned without a word. He heard Jack say, 'Ianto,' and he turned around.

'Yes Sir, is there anything else you want from me?' His face was impassive, hiding the hurt that was piercing his heart like a dagger. The tears were waiting, waiting behind a dam that was about to break. He knew he couldn't last much longer.

'Nothing Ianto, I'm sorry.' Jack turned away hiding his face. Ianto wondered if that was Jack's apology for what had happened.

'I'll be in the archives then Sir,' Ianto managed to say before he left. Jack watched him as he went through the corridors and sat at this desk. Jack had cameras in places where people didn't know. Ianto knew about them because he and Jack liked to play games and show off to each other. How many times had they both sat, Ianto in his archive and Jack in his office listening to each other, talking to each other as they touched themselves, sometimes with stopwatch in hand, in competition to see who could come the fastest. Jack loved to tell Ianto what to do to himself as he watched from his office, fascinated by how much just watching him made him feel. Sometimes he'd been unable to wait for Ianto to finish and he'd rushed through the corridors and completed the task himself. Now all he could see was Ianto with his head in his hands. Jack knew he was crying; his whole body shook and Jack knew why. Ianto must have heard the others talking.

Ianto let the tears fall. He let the hurt surround him like a duvet but there was no comforting warmth from these feelings. Jack obviously cared nothing for him despite all they had been to each other. He'd thought that they had something; that he'd meant something. He was sure that he'd seen more than lust in those eyes. He was sure that Jack had come to care, even if it was only a little bit. Did those tender kisses in between the frantic coupling mean nothing? Were the whispered endearments just another way of getting him into bed? Was there simply nothing to this relationship after all? Was he just the part time shag Owen had suggested and did he mean nothing to Jack? Despite what Tosh said Ianto knew the truth; he wasn't the reason Jack had returned and it hurt him more than he'd ever expected.

Jack knew why he'd come back. He wished he'd returned because of Ianto. He felt his hurt and his pain and he wanted to comfort him. He did care about him but not enough. Perhaps one day he would return for Ianto. Perhaps he would be able to care for someone else without thinking that he was just passing the time before …

As he sat there Jack knew that he had his own hurt to deal with and his own problems to solve. Jack's reason for coming back was the same one that had kept him there, in Cardiff, all these years. He was waiting, as he'd always been waiting to find out why he'd been left, why he'd been abandoned by the man he loved. He needed to get an answer as to why he'd been hurt and why he couldn't die. He'd come back for one reason and one reason only. He was still waiting and he'd go on waiting for his Doctor.

**Let me know what you think.**


	9. Hope

**So the next in the series. This is based after the End of Days and is slightly less angst ridden than you might expect. This has had no tinkering and so it literally hot off the keyboard.**

Hope

They kept looking at him and they kept asking questions. They expected him to behave in a certain way and were disappointed when he didn't. The thing was that Ianto knew something that they didn't; Ianto knew that Jack was coming back. He knew this as sure as night became day and the world turned on its axis. He knew because Jack had promised him and so while the others had lost their hope, he'd hung on to his.

After Abaddon he'd nearly lost hope and thought that Jack was gone. He'd watched as Gwen took his place next to Jack's body, as it lay in the morgue. He'd wanted to scream at her; he'd wanted to tell her that Jack was his, but how could he, when he wasn't completely sure of that himself. What was he to Jack? How much of what Jack said to him was really true? He didn't know then but he knew now; now he was certain because Jack had showed him and Jack had told him. Jack had given him hope.

On one of those nights, when he'd slept in Jack's bed, covered by Jack's coat, breathing in that aroma that he knew so well, he'd dreamed that Jack would return from the dead. He'd felt his kiss on his lips, he'd felt his caress. He could feel the weight of Jack above him and then he'd awoken to find nothing had changed. He was still alone and Jack was still lying on that slab, sheathed in white and she was still at his side as he looked at the monitor. Then he'd nearly lost all hope. But Jack had come back. It had taken days but he'd returned and as Jack had pulled him into his arms he'd whispered in his ear.

'Never doubt me Ianto; I will always be back. I will always come back to you whatever happens, I promise,' and then he'd kissed him. He'd kissed him in front of them all, showing them all what they were to each other. Finally Ianto had understood. So many emotions had crashed through his body and mind at that moment. Perhaps there was more to this after all; perhaps Jack did feel something for him. Was that what he was saying? Was he saying that no matter what he'd always come back to them, to him?

So when they come back with the coffee and found that Jack was gone with that mysterious hand, Ianto had held onto that hope and still did. He knew where Jack had gone. Jack had warned him one night as they lay together and talked. Owen thought that they didn't talk. Owen imagined that the only thing they had together was the sex but Ianto knew better. When Jack had returned after Owen had opened the Rift they'd talked.

'I know you didn't come back for me. I know you came back because of him, the Doctor. I may be a lot of things Jack but I'm not naïve enough to think that this matters to you.'

Jack had sat up suddenly and his face looked angry, in a way that Ianto hadn't seen before.

'Is that all you think of me Ianto? Is that all you think of yourself? I could be out there on the streets of Cardiff and have anyone; you know that. Gwen would fall at my feet if I wanted her to but here I am with you in my bed. Do you honestly think that this means nothing to me? What, are you just some convenient fuck buddy, so that I don't even have to leave home to find someone who'll shag me senseless. Is that it? You think I'm here because I'm lazy.'

'I don't know what to think Jack. I never have known what to think about us. I just take things as they come and don't ask questions. By rights I shouldn't be able to do this; I shouldn't want to do this. You killed my girlfriend and yet I stayed in your bed. I stayed doing this. You killed her Jack and I let you fuck me time and time again without questioning why, because I was too afraid of the answer. I was too afraid that you would take away my hope that this meant something, that this was more than just something convenient while you waited for him to come and save you.'

'I am waiting for him Ianto but he won't be the one who saves me. Now let's sleep. I've a feeling that opening the Rift is going to cause more problems than we know or understand.'

And he'd been right. So now we go on day by day keeping the place going until he returns. 'The others think you've gone forever Jack but you promised me, you promised me that you'd be back and that's what I'm holding onto. My little piece of hope that a promise matters to you Jack and that sometime, somehow, you'll keep it and you'll be back.'

**After this on to series 2**


	10. Relief

**This is set after KKBB when the team went to a hotel to avoid themselves for the night. I think Jack and Ianto would talk to each other.**

**Relief**

Some hours later Ianto woke up as Jack hit him across the face. Ianto realised that Jack was thrashing his arms and shouting, his face contorted with pain.

'Jack, Jack, its okay, your safe, wake up.'

Jack woke suddenly and grabbed Ianto. He sat up and then he checked him all over. 'You're okay, you're alive, you're not…..'

'Jack, I'm fine; what the hell is it? I'm here, everything is fine. You're safe; tell me what's wrong.'

Jack was so relieved. The tears started to flow down his cheeks. Ianto was alive; he wasn't injured in any way and he was lying in his arms, in a bed, safe from harm.

'Tosh, Owen, Gwen, are they okay too?'

'Yes, Jack, they're fine. We're at St David's. We had to come here to avoid ourselves. What's going on Jack? Talk to me; tell me please.'

Jack turned towards him and put his hands on either side of Ianto's head.

'I may never say this again, Ianto Jones, but I love you with all of my heart, with all that I am and the thought of ever being without you tears me apart. I may not always show it. I may be crass and stupid and not think about your feelings but I do love you and I do need you.' Jack hesitated before he spoke the next line.

'I know this now for certain because I know what it felt like when I thought I'd lost you forever. Then I truly realised what I had and that I had to grab you and never let you go. I can't tell you how relieved I was to see you again after all that's happened over the last year.'

'Year, Jack? You've only been away a few months and we were fine. There was some talk of us being sent to the Himalayas but it didn't happen. We're all fine, as you've seen. It wasn't easy without you but we coped, Jack.'

Jack let go of his face. 'Here let me hold you and I'll tell you what really happened in the year that never was. Jack told his story. He told how he'd found the Doctor an how they'd travelled to the end of time. He explained how he and the Doctor ad sort of resolved their feelings for each other and how the Doctor had told him that he was wrong. Ianto tried to protest but Jack stopped him. He explained about the Master and Harold Saxon.

'What's the last thing you remember about what happened while I was away?' Jack asked Ianto.

'Well, everyone had gone up to the Valiant. Saxon was going to show everyone that there were aliens and then the American President was killed and it all goes a little fuzzy after that. Harold Saxon stopped being PM and we just sort of went back to doing what we do. It seems hard to pin down really and then you returned.'

'It wasn't that simple, Ianto. Harold Saxon caught the Doctor and me as well as Martha Jones who was travelling with him. I gave Martha this.' he pointed to his wrist strap. 'You know how John used it to travel in time, well, mine could do the same. The Doctor fixed it and then he disabled it again. Martha was able to escape and eventually the day came and everyone said Doctor at the same time and the Master was defeated.'

'Why don't I remember that; no one does,' Ianto asked.

'Because the Doctor turned back time. He made it so the Tocalafane hadn't killed anyone. I destroyed something called the paradox machine and time righted itself.'

'But Jack, that means that for you, well you were away for a year. What happened?'

'The Tocalafane killed ten per cent of the planet and the Master built huge weapons and was going to start a galactic war; but we stopped it.'

'No Jack, I mean what happened to you, those nightmares. I want to help you, Jack. I might help to talk.'

'I don't know if I can, Ianto. it doesn't always help to talk, no matter what they say. I don't want you to have to hear all that. Let's just go to sleep.'

'Jack, you've just told me that you love me and love is about sharing good and bad. If we're more than just fuck buddies, if this means anything at all, then I want to know everything. I want to understand what makes you tick. I don't want the Captain Harkness you present to the world; I want the Jack who held me tight through all my nightmares, after Lisa and the cannibals and all the rest. We can't go back, Jack. I need to know; I need to understand what you went through. I'm so relieved that you're back. Please tell me.'

'It won't be easy to hear, Ianto.'

'I know, come here and let me hold you and then tell me, tell me everything.'

It took an hour for Jack to tell Ianto all that had happened. At times he felt Ianto flinch and hold him tighter. He could hear Ianto sniff away the tears as he described what the Master had done to him. He glossed over the death of Ianto and the others; how the Master had tortured then killed them one by one leaving Ianto until last. The pain that Jack had felt was worse than any physical pain he had endured, every cut, every burn, every blow and every death. He'd expected to see his heart lying broken on the floor in front of him but this body wouldn't aloe him to die when that was all he wanted to get some relief from all the pain.

As he explained how they'd beaten the Master Ianto kissed him, sweet, little, light touch kisses anywhere Ianto could reach until he turned around and their lips met once again.

'I meant it, Ianto. I really did come back for you. I came back for them as well and for Torchwood but most of all I came back for you. He asked me to stay, you know, and travel with him.'

Ianto opened his eyes, startled, at the revelation.

'And you didn't choose to go with him?' The relief in Ianto's voice was palpable.

'No, Ianto, I chose you.'


	11. Realisation

**After some time I got back to the Feelings series today and wrote this. This one is Gwen's POV after Sleeper. I have neglected her so I offer this.**

Realisation

It hit her like a ton of bricks being hurled towards her at 100 mph; this was what they did; this was what Torchwood did. These were the decisions they had to make, needed to make, to keep the word safe. She watched the others as they went about things, seemingly unaffected by it all. Owen would be doing the autopsy now; the doctor, the scientist, examining every piece of flesh, every piece of machinery, producing his report which Tosh would then compare to the data base and Ianto would log as yet another report in the archives.

Up in his office Jack would be writing his report of how the alien threat has been dealt with, how Cardiff had been saved, how Torchwood had once again protected humanity because that's what they did.

She realised that there was nothing for her to do now. She'd played her part and acted her role, the role Jack expected from her. For she was the human face of Torchwood; she was the one to care, to offer support, to listen, to help and to do what she could. That's what she did; that's what she'd done for Beth, but the other woman was still lying dead on a slab down there, waiting to be placed in a drawer from which she'd never emerge again.

Beth had thought that she was human. She'd had a husband, a real life, someone and something she'd believed in. Gwen knew that she'd had all these things too, but did she still have them? She touched the engagement ring on her finger and twirled it around. Rhys, he was her connection to real life, to the real world. Was she right to keep him? Was she right to marry him? Was she still human enough? She glanced up, watching Ianto go up to Jack's office. It was then that she realised; she realised how lucky she was. Rhys loved her and she loved him. So okay it wasn't all rainbows and fireworks; it was real. They could go out to dinner, hold hands in the street, kiss at bus stops, make toast crumbs in bed and announce how they felt to the world. She watched the shadows in the office above and wondered if they wanted the same. Were they real or just a convenience born out of need, want, circumstances, as she had been with Owen, because no one else could understand what they did?

She was definitely lucky and she realised that it was time to grow up and stop mooning after Jack. He was too big for her anyway; to much for her to handle. Ianto could have him. She only had to look at the younger man to realise how he felt when he looked at Jack. She depended on Rhys because she could; she knew he would never let her down. Good, solid, dependable Rhys, her rock. Rhys would never leave her as Jack had left Ianto. She hoped Ianto was happy; everyone deserved someone like Rhys. She wished the same for Tosh, the same for Owen.

She knew they had to do what they did. She knew that hard choices had to be made at times. She knew that at some point she might be like them, going about the business of death without seeming to care or pause to think about it too much. She knew that it was Rhys who kept her human, Rhys that made her care and Rhys who loved her. She picked up her phone and rang him.

'Hey you, yeah, I'll be home soon. I'll pick up some Chinese on the way. I love you too, cariad.'

And she did, she realised. She really, really did.


	12. Acceptance

**I have missed 'To the Last Man' but have an idea which I will write up at some point. This was written some time back and is set after the events of 'Meat'.**

**Acceptance****?**

Ianto had gone home that night rather than stay with Jack. He'd wanted to stay but Jack had pushed him away. Ianto wasn't surprised; it was what Jack did, how he coped. He lay in his bed looking at the ceiling; the only relief from the darkness coming from a street light, shining through a gap at the top of the curtains. He couldn't be bothered to get up and close them properly.

He'd tried to sleep but found he couldn't so he simply stared. He knew what Jack was doing and why. He pictured Gwen and Rhys lying in each other's arms. She'd probably have told him all about the aliens she'd met by now and what had happened with each one. Rhys would no doubt have listened and wrapped his arms around her, wanting to protect her as well as loving her for her bravery. Perhaps they'd made love; perhaps they hadn't, but Gwen would know that Rhys loved her enough to put himself between her and a bullet, a bullet that would kill him, not for once but for always. Rhys had risked all for her and she'd risked losing her job and memories for him. Oh yes, he knew why he wasn't with Jack that night.

Ianto knew that he'd been lucky; the gun had been empty when fired. Jack could do nothing to protect him; he couldn't even die, yet again, to save him. For the first time Jack hadn't been able to stand in the way. That had made him think and a thinking Jack wasn't always a good thing. Ianto was mortal; he could die. He could cross the road and be hit by a bus, or have his throat ripped out by a weevil, or have some guy selling alien meat put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. Whilst Ianto had gotten angry, Jack had become afraid and the creature dying hadn't helped improve his mood. Living things were mortal; things Jack loved and cared for died. The world wasn't fair and wasn't safe and he couldn't save it over and over again without losing something, or someone. Ianto realised that at some point Jack was going to have to accept that about him, as he himself had. He would die; he hoped he would die for a good cause rather than being run over by a bus to Barry Island. He knew no-one got a pension when they worked for Torchwood.

Jack, however, would never let him talk about it. He'd listened to Jack talk to Gwen about loving Rhys. He'd heard Tosh talk about them being sad singles but he wasn't really sad and he wasn't really single and he knew that, but Jack, Jack was afraid of acknowledging it, even to himself. They just had an understanding. There were so many things that they didn't talk about. Ianto accepted that. There were boundaries yet uncrossed and Ianto didn't know if they ever would be crossed or if he even wanted them to be. It was then that he heard the key in the lock. He sat up. The door of the bedroom opened. He knew who it would be.

'Jack, please come here,' he said to the figure stood at the door. Jack came forward. Ianto rose and took him in his arms, his bare flesh pressing into Jack's coat; his senses filled with the taste, smell and touch of the man.

'I could have lost you today,' was all Jack said. 'I couldn't get to you, Ianto. If there'd been bullets in that gun you'd be dead now. I couldn't take the bullet for you!'

'It's alright, Jack. I'm here, I'm alive and I'm safe.' He pulled away from the other man.

'Jack, look at me. One day I'll die, you know that. I know you've lost people. I know that's why you push everyone away but you need me, Jack; you need us all. We know that we'll die someday but we still go on every day just doing what we do. Thousands of people take risks every day. You can't be there to save everyone, Jack, immortal or not. You've got to get through that and accept it, because I'm not going anywhere. Wherever we are and whatever happens, my place will always be at your side.'

Jack wished he was stronger; he wished he could push Ianto away but all he growled out was, 'I know, Ianto, I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.'


	13. Duty

**Notes: Decided to link together a series of short pieces which will look at feelings after each episode. Different characters used and different feelings. Each will be added on as I progress. This is Tosh's POV after 'To the Last Man'. It uses ideas about what may have happened while Tosh was in that UNIT cell. I've always thought there should have been more about this as conditions looked inhuman. There are some references to past non-con.**

**Duty**

Tosh had experienced many terrible things in her short life. When they'd put her in that bare cell she'd spent days covered in her own faeces, urine and blood. Every day one guard, or two guards, or more had used her. They'd forced their cocks into her mouth until she'd bitten one and then they'd punched her and threatened to break all her teeth if she didn't comply. When they'd held her down and raped her she'd learnt to shut off, to separate herself. She'd heard the abuse and felt the pain and afterwards curled up into a ball but she'd kept one small part of herself apart, shut off, safe until they day he'd come. Captain Jack Harkness had appeared at her cell door like a hero out of one of the comics she'd read when young. He'd got her out of there. She owed him her life. He had saved her. She'd sworn that she would be loyal to him always from then on so today had been the hardest day of her life.

Of course, she'd done her duty, her duty to Jack, to the team and to the world. She'd sent a man back in time to his death. It had torn her apart as she persuaded him to turn the dial that would bridge the tear between then and now. She knew that Tommy would die; in some foreign field he would say no and they'd shoot him for it. Poor shell shocked Tommy would be put in front of a firing squad and she'd helped send him back to his death, his duty and there was nothing she could do about it.

As she walked away from Owen she hoped that he was right, perhaps this was worth all the sacrifices she'd made and the pain she'd endured. In the end it was simple, she was Torchwood and saving the world was what she did no matter what the cost.


End file.
